There is a story out there about how all sorts of crazy, goofy accidents have beset certain beat writers covering the Boston Red Sox. For instance, Seitaro Shimomura, who covers the Red Sox for the Japanese newspaper Yomiuri Shimbun, turned up late for a game against the Mets because a pelican flew into the windshield of his rental car.
I wonder if he bought the insurance.
Having just returned from Florida a week ago and seen some things up close, those pelicans look like they can do some damage. Pelicans are big, sturdy and have those tremendous beaks. The look mean, too, and if approached they spread their wings and stand on one foot like Daniel-san in The Karate Kid. My guess is if a pelican makes it through the windshield alive, look out - chances are it will peck your eyes out. Those things are like flying wolverines... pretty, elegant, wolverines.
While Shimomura nearly had his eyes gauged out and missed part of the Sox-Mets Grapefruit League game, the Providence Journal's Joe McDonald had his laptop smashed to bits when a foul ball blasted into it. No big deal there, though. Foul balls fly into the press box and sometimes they hit computers. Sometimes those computers break. It happens every day, which is why baseball fans are lucky to even read one sentence about the local nine. It's also why baseball writers are qualified to operate teletype machines at the regional Western Union office.
Also, if you ever need something notarized like a deed, a will or a marriage license, a baseball writer can handle that, too.
Anyway, a busted laptop - You know, no big whoop... we live in a land where laptops are easily replaced. Besides, it's not like Joe was the victim of a pelican attack. Foul balls are hardly an "exclusive" in baseball, but a pelican attack is no laughing matter.
Still, these stories are only getting out there because it's the Red Sox. Really, in Boston they cover the writers nearly as much as they cover the baseball team. They are really into navel gazing up there. After all, here in Philadelphia we have had a beat writer attacked by the Baltimore Oriole mascot [ed. note: it was the writer's "special lady"]. Another guy (maybe the same dude) took a header between innings of a game at RFK when he dashed onto the field in some sort of Thomas Jefferson outfit. That was a crazy thing, yet no one talked about that. It happened and there were all sorts of witnesses, but it didn't make the national Internets.
Nope, no one ever talked about those things.
*** Wisconsin-ite Bon Iver plays tonight in Austin's SXSW fest.
*** There are about six weeks to go until the Pennsylvania Primary and I'm already tired of hearing the so-called pundits referring to the Commonwealth as "Philadelphia on one side, Pittsburgh on the other and the rest is Alabama." Come on... that's just like those tired, old "booing Santa Claus" bits that folks like to trot out for Philadelphia. It's so boring.
Please, from now on try referring to Pennsylvania as "Pennsyltucky." It flows better.
*** Hey! Do pushups. Also: If you are a distance man, don't worry so much about stretching... unless it's a quasi-regular yoga regime.