Usually when the choppers circle overhead, it’s a pretty good indication that something is up. At least three hovered over the ballpark during batting practice on Wednesday afternoon in attempt to get the perfect view of the potential crisis brewing just outside the first-base gate.
Three suspicious packages covered with duct tape and left unattended just outside the stadium near Pattison Avenue piqued enough interest from some diligent citizen to alert the authorities. Upon further review of the situation on the ground, ballpark authorities called in the bomb squad and the ballpark went into lockdown mode.
Early arriving fans in the left-field seats and on Ashburn Alley were ushered out of the stadium, while team employees and media types were forced to evacuate the portion of the ballpark closest to the first-base side.
The field, we were told, was the safest place to be. Fortunately, we were told this while we were standing on the field.
Meanwhile, as chaos raged outside the stadium, the Phillies were oblivious that a potential threat loomed. Instead, the ballplayers calmed took batting practice and prepared for the game against the Atlanta Braves. At one point, slugger Ryan Howard strolled over by a group of scribes and was told about the bomb scare occurring nearby.
“Oh yeah?” Howard said as he walked toward the batting cage to take his hacks.
With the ballpark sealed off and filled with just security, baseball players, team officials and sportswriters, the bomb squad detonated the curious package at approximately 5:08 p.m., emitting a muffled explosion that sounded like a man sitting on top of a pillow placed over top of a helium balloon.
Pffffffffffffffffft!
After assessing the scene and the remains of the mysterious box, the bomb squad gave the all-safe sign to allow folks to go about their normal, pre-game rituals.
So what caused the trouble that forced the bomb squad to show up and blow up stuff?
Why it was a package full of hot dogs, of course.
You know, delicious, heart-healthy hot dogs that were earmarked for the Phillie Phanatic to launch into the crowd during some between-innings capering on the field. Instead, those hot dogs were sent back to the ether from which they came.
Crisis averted.
Or was it?
Though many people enjoy a tasty hot dog from time-to-time (make mine a tofu pup, please), it is no secret that those plump tube steaks are silent killers. Laden with cholesterol, saturated fats and non-organic hormones, steroids and chemicals, a diet rich with hot dogs is a sure path to heart disease.
Oh sure, they look good now, but you will pay later.
Still, a meat hot dog remains a staple of the picnic scene and also a fun prop for many a comedian. In fact, I can’t resist thinking of Will Ferrell impersonating longtime Cubs’ announcer, Harry Caray, whenever I hear the word, "hot dog."
So comically delicious!
So before you go slathering yourself up in spicy, brown mustard, take a look.