It's easy to tell when it's an election year when the phone calls soliciting money roll in faster than those annoying calls from Verizon (how they get past the No-Call List is befuddling). Nevertheless, my name is on some list, which means the relatively nice folks begging for money for presidential candidate Barry Obama ring me up more than occasionally. And since I have strong jackass tendencies I pick up the phone to listen to the spiel even though I have caller-ID and know exactly what they want.
After all, who doesn't want a little manufactured self-righteous indignation to share with the other folks hanging out with the kids at the monkey bars.
Anyway, Obama's beggars called up again yesterday and the conversation went a little something like this:
Me: Hello.
Me: Hello!
Me: HELLO!
Beggar: Mr. Finger?
Me: Yes.
Beggar: Uh, hello John, how are you? I'm calling from the campaign for Barrack Obama and...
Me: Wait, we're on a first-name basis?
Beggar: What?
Me: What?
Beggar: Excuse me?
Me: Never mind.
Beggar: Uh, yeah, I'm calling from the presidential campaign for Barrack Obama and as you know he was just three points behind in New Hampshire, so we're really trying to work hard to drum up the support and ...
Me: Yeah, looks like it's a two-person race from here on out.
Beggar: ... also we had a really good weekend where we raised $XX million for Barrack for President, which is one of our best weekends to date.
Me: Wow. Congratulations.
Beggar: Yeah, so we're looking to keep the momentum going and we're asking for your help by...
Me: Great. What can I do? Canvassing? Hand out leaflets at the community center? Hang up posters. Back when Mondale ran against Reagan in '84 my school project was to get involved with a campaign, but interestingly the local Mondale group was more like a ...
Beggar: ... sending us $250.
Me: Huh?
Beggar: If you could send us $250 it would really help.
Me: $250? You want money from me?
Beggar: Yes. If you could send $250 it would really help the momentum we have coming out of New Hampshire.
Me: But I thought you guys had a really good weekend?
Beggar: We did.
Me: Really?
Beggar: Yes, we raised $XXX million.
Me: So what do you need my money for?
Beggar: What?
Me: Yeah, what do you need my money for? You called here to brag about how much money you raised last weekend and how you had all this momentum and how you needed my help.
Beggar: Yes, we need your help. Can I put you down for $250?
Me: Don't you want my vote instead?
Beggar: What?
Me: Let me ask you this question?
Beggar: Go ahead.
Me: Would you rather have my vote or my money?
Silence.
Me: Yeah, that's what I thought. That one isn't on the script is it?
Beggar: So can we count on your help?
Me: I might vote for your guy, but then again I might not. To be honest, calling around asking for money instead of votes makes your guy sound like less like a politician or a statesman and more like a whore.
Beggar: A what?
Me: A whore.
Beggar: A whore?
Me: Yes, a whore. If your guy has good ideas he won't need to go around asking for working folk's money.
Beggar: So can we count on your help?
Me: Maybe. I might vote for your guy but it depends.
Beggar: What does it depend on?
Me: Whether or not your guy would rather have my vote or my money.
Click.