Generally, breaking the law is a bad idea and it’s something the folks behind this little site do not endorse. Still, we understand that sometimes circumstances tilt toward a little bending and flexing of certain statutes. For instance, we think it’s OK to steal bread in order to feed a starving family. That’s basic because if a criminal is allowed to have a lawyer for free, then we ought to look out for each other.
Or something.
You may be asking about the slippery slope this theory creates, and yes, I understand the moral dilemma. Sociologists haven’t weighed in, but I’m sure they look at bread stealing as a gateway to bigger things. Like, as soon as a person gets enough to eat to shake off the hunger pangs, it’s only a matter of time before the upstairs doors are closed and he is making bathtub moonshine.
Yes, it’s an all-too familiar tale. Of course some may see it as one of those “victimless crimes,” which sounds like an oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp.” But if that’s the case, didn’t you feel safer walking the streets at night knowing Martha Stewart was locked up behind bars for insider trading? Hey, Martha is no Bernie Madoff, Goldman & Sachs, or some other immoral Wall St. knob, but you know how we voiceless middle Americans feel about comeuppance… we love it!
Anyway, people love betting on football games a lot. They even make up variations of normal gambling like that whole fantasy football bit. Ever play that? Man, people get nuts over it. Sometimes they even act like they really are a football coach and/or general manager when they talk about their fantasy football team(s). Hell, they even utilize lean muscle mass and brain power and express their feelings into words on web sites and books about how to be a really good fantasy football guy.
Yeah, it sounds crazy doesn’t it?
However, unless you are playing for jelly beans or pink slips, gambling is illegal in most municipalities in the United States, sir. In other places in our country it’s frowned upon or tolerated only in plush, environmentally-controlled palaces with mismatched wall-to-wall carpet and medieval and/or nautical themes.
Still, like a hungry person swiping a loaf of bread, it’s probably a crime not to wager a little something on the playoff football games that are slated for this weekend. Look, I’m not telling you to do it because of how they view those sorts of things in society, but if I had a little extra money/gold/pelts/heirlooms just burning a hole in my pocket, I would wager it thusly on this weekend’s slate of NFL Playoffs games:
Saturday games
Saints at Seahawks
Pick: Saints (minus-10)
Gotta give Seahawks’ coach Pete Carroll some credit… not only did he figure out a way to get a team with a losing record a home game in the NFL playoffs, but also he’s done it with players getting paid far less than the guys he had at USC. Nevertheless, unless Carroll figures out a way to get hometown hero Tim Lincecum into the game instead of having him serve as the cheerleader/12th man, this one could be a blood bath.
Jets at Colts
Pick: Colts (minus-2½ )
The line in this one indicates that the Jets are a little better than the Colts. However, the Colts have won four games in a row, beat the Jets in the AFC Championship last year, and ever since they snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night like some gypsy thieves, the Colts have dominated the Jets. As the Indianapolis Colts, they are 27-14 against the Jets and going back to Super Bowl III, the Colts are 42-26 against the Jets.
The craziest one? In 1991 when the Colts went 1-15 their lone win came against the Jets.
Of course none of that matters now. I just felt like counting up all the times the Jets and Colts played. I also wanted to figure out a way to mention Johnny Unitas, but that’s not really going to work. Besides, the Jets won’t have Joe Namath on Saturday. They’ll just have Rex Ryan who as the coach of the Jets, already has two more victories in the playoffs than his dad, Buddy.
Nope, I didn’t understand any of this either.
Sunday games
Ravens at Chiefs
Pick: Ravens (minus-3)
Ah Baltimore, the city that should have a bigger inferiority complex than Philadelphia. Stuck so close to Washington (yet so far away), Baltimore often serves as a slight vista up I-95 to New York or Boston or wherever folks from D.C. like to go.
But Baltimoreans feel pretty good about their spot in American culture. The football team is pretty good, the waterfront still draws tourists like flies, John Waters is around, and the greatest TV show ever produced, The Wire, was shot and set in town.
The people of Baltimore also appear to have gotten past the idea that the football team wears purple and is called the Ravens instead of blue and white and the Colts.
For the old-timers, the football team in Baltimore is called the Colts. You know, Johnny Unitas, Art Donovan, Don Shula, Lenny Moore, Bert Jones, Gino Marchetti, Earl Morrall and Raymond Berry. The name and colors should have remained locked up in Memorial Stadium when that gypsy Bob Irsay packed up that Mayflower truck and snuck out of town in the middle of the night. That’s what should have happened.
Instead, Johnny Unitas’ flat-top grew out, his black high-tops were retired and Baltimore had to wait for Art Modell to sneak the Browns out of Cleveland before they got another team.
Baltimoreans, of course, are a hearty lot. They know all about being past by on the interstate as thrill seekers go off looking for someplace a little less hardcore. Sure, they do crabs and beer as well in Baltimore as any place on the planet, but they also eat something called lake trout, which doesn’t come from a lake and sure as hell ain’t trout. In fact, lake trout, which is served breaded and deep fried, is a fish that a person doesn’t even have to go fishing for. Know the phrase “shooting fish in a barrel?” Well, with lake trout you don’t have to pull the trigger. Just bend down and yank them out of the gravelly sand in the shallow water. Don’t worry, they’ll be there waiting.
Kind of like the cows that produce all the steaks they like to eat in Kansas City. For the Chiefs players, they better not fill up so close to game time. They are going to need to be light on their feet with the Ravens’ fleet defenders bearing down on them for 60 minutes. Stick with rice or pasta.
Packers at Eagles
Pick: Packers (plus-2½)
They get after it in Wisconsin. Really, they get after it. According to some silly poll taken by some magazine that probably won’t exist in a year or two, Milwaukee, the closest “big” city near Green Bay, is the drunkest town in the U.S. Meanwhile, Philadelphia checked in at No. 20.
What does this mean? Well, for one thing there probably isn’t a lot to do during the winter time in Wisconsin because it’s so damn cold. It’s so cold, in fact, that people rarely go outside after the first week of October and there are indoor walkways that connect all of the buildings so folks won’t have to go outdoors and get frost bite. They also build shacks on top of the frozen lakes and go fishing.
Fishing and drinking, apparently.
Nevertheless, since the towns look like habitatrails and the people have decided to stay inside, there better be something to watch on TV and it better be good. Imagine how much drinking would go on in Wisconsin if the Packers were bad. In fact, if the Packers lose this weekend and the football season were to end more than two months before the first day of spring, martial law is declared in Green Bay, Milwaukee and Kenosha. Keep people out of the snow drifts.
Although the Eagles should have a plan for second-year linebacker extraordinaire Clay Matthews, it’s unknown whether the defense can contain quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Plus, with the temperature expected to be a balmy 32 degrees on Sunday, the Packers might play in shorts.
Hey, it doesn’t hit the 30s until May in Wisconsin. The warm weather is sure to have the Packers feeling loose and ready to move.
Last year’s playoff picks record: 7-3
