Stay classy, Curt

Generally speaking, baseball players are not funny. Actually, that's totally subjective. The sense of humor of most ballplayers is there. It's rock solid. Sometimes it's simply a matter of the material.

There are only so many hotfoots and trades to Japan that can be trotted out there before folks get wise.

Of course senses of humor are just like style or taste in that everyone thinks theirs is good. Guilty as charged on all the above...

Nevertheless, baseball players are never edgy. Don't expect depth in the comedic stylings. Rare exceptions notwithstanding, they have that edgy trait stomped out of them on the way to the Majors. Conformity isn't exactly expected, but the other side of that isn't condoned either.

Or something like that.

Anyway, the point is there is a lot of unintentional comedy on the Major League Baseball scene. Tons of it, actually. It comes from everywhere and it never gets old. So in other words, hanging around baseball is the funniest place on earth.

Still, even those with a fine-tuned comedy radar may have missed this one:

Curt Schilling was the baseball version of Ron Burgundy.

Yeah, there it is.

According to Jason Gay's piece in The New Republic Online (via Can't Stand the Bleeding), "Schilling was a locally beloved institution--a hero in Boston, Philly, and Arizona--with a comically inflated sense of self-importance."

He keeps going:

But Schilling mostly resembled Burgundy in that he was a first-rate blowhard, thrilled to hold forth with presumed authority on nearly any subject, as if earth was desperate for his wisdom. He'd shamelessly careen from sports to religion to politics; from his conservative heroes (John McCain, George W. Bush) to The New York Times ("A 'left wing' mouthpiece that has never had issues reporting 'facts' that aren't, as facts.") to Obama's campaign trail economic plan ("There is nothing he's proposed that is going to help me hire new employees or maintain the best health care coverage"). In baseball, he had zero compunction about criticizing others in the game. He called Alex Rodriguez "bush league." He chastised Barry Bonds for "cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game." He even called out his own ex-teammates, like the flopsy outfielder Manny Ramirez. When Roger Clemens--Schilling's version of Burgundy nemesis Wes Mantooth--was implicated for steroid use, Schilling howled that if Clemens was proven guilty, he should return his Cy Young Awards.

As gifted a player as Schilling was, his bloviating didn't always endear him to his teammates. You can imagine, just like on the Channel 4 news team, some laughing behind his back. Schilling picked up the nickname "Red Light Curt" for his tendency to seek out media attention, and his former GM in Philadelphia, Ed Wade, once quipped that Schilling was a "horse" every fifth day, and a "horse's ass" the other four. (That could have been a line in Anchorman, too.) GQ reported that after Schilling wrote an open letter to America after 9/11, his teammates serenaded him with a chorus of "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

It's hard to argue with these fine points (and many more in the story), though the disturbing part is that baseball writers weren't able to see it first. It's kind of like the steroids era in that sense... another whiff for Schilling.

Stay classy, Cole Hamels

For some reason today feels like a Friday…

Regardless of what day it is, the Phillies have four tough games this weekend against the San Diego Padres, who despite their 52-41 record (one game behind the Dodgers in second place in the NL West) could be the National League’s representative in the World Series.

Yes, the Padres are 52-41 even though they have just one regular player with a batting average over .260 and have a Major League-worst batting average (.242) and on-base percentage (.313) and are next-to-last in slugging. With Adrian Gonzalez, Mike Cameron, Marcus Giles and Khalil Greene as the Padres’ version of a Murders’ Row, it’s easy to see why they have the second-most strikeouts in the league – far more than the free-swinging Phillies.

Yet at the same time it’s easy to see why the Padres are a good pick to get through the National League.

Pitching, pitching and more pitching.

The Padres’ team ERA is 3.13 (2.63 from the bullpen), which leads the Majors by a lot. Better yet, the question isn’t who will win the Cy Young Award in the National League, it’s which Padre does one pick?

Is it Jake Peavy and his 2.30 ERA and 9.36 strikeouts per nine innings? Or is it Chris Young with his 1.97 ERA and 8.78 strikeouts per nine innings? Mix in 40somethings Greg Maddux and David Wells, both of whom are pitching pretty well, and it’s no wonder that the .242 batting average is getting it done.

But the most interesting pitcher on the Padres staff is fifth starter Justin Germano, who as most close followers of the Phillies remember was claimed off waivers by the Padres when the Phillies tried to sneak him back to Triple-A during spring training.

With a 6-3 record, 3.55 ERA and 16 walks in 12 starts have fit in nicely with San Diego. Not to mention the fact that the rookie right-hander went 4-0 with a 1.74 ERA in his first five starts.

For some reason he couldn’t make the Phillies this spring. Perhaps the Pat Gillick and the gang are having second thoughts now? What do you suppose the Phillies will be thinking on Sunday when J.D. Durbin goes to the mound against Peavy?

Better yet, do you think that Germano will be fired up for Friday night’s start? I’m going to go out on a limb and say… yeah probably.

***
As we determined the Phillies are spending the weekend in San Diego which is the hometown of tonight’s starting pitcher Cole Hamels. San Diego is also the adapted hometown of Ron Burgundy, Tony Gwynn, Tony Hawk and Floyd Landis, it has one of the lowest crime rates of all major U.S. cities, and it’s 70 degrees every stinking day of the year. Snow, ice and cold weather are concepts in San Diego, not reality, which means outdoor sports and activities rule.

So why haven’t we all packed up and moved to San Diego?

Good question. Then again, the average price of a home in San Diego is over $600,000… just think how much it would be if everyone moved there.

***
I have a theory that Philadelphia sports fans and French sports fans are uncannily similar. Mostly this is based on the idea that like the French, Philadelphia fans appreciate losers far more than the gifted or talented. To hear Philly folks tell it, the Phillies won the World Series in 1993 and they appreciate the fact that the team lost so dramatically.

The same goes for the French in that they haven’t seen a winner in the Tour de France since 1985, however, riders like Christophe Moreau, Richard Virenque, Laurent Jalabert, Luc Leblanc and Raymond Poulidor were always gallant in their many defeats.

Yes, French sports are like Philadelphia sports. That’s the theory. Since 1936 the French have had won winner of the French Open (Yannick Noah in 1983), but claim Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs and major title tennis player Mary Pierce.

Take away the French National soccer team’s World Cup title in 1998 – and defeat last year – and France faces a championship drought of Philadelphia proportions.

Hey, it’s a half-baked theory with not a lot of research put into it, but I’m sticking to it. After all, Philadelphia has more public art than any other city outside of Paris (or at least it used to… like I said, not much research has gone into this theory).

Anyway, the point is the French will go without a champion at the Tour de France again this year when Moreau was dropped from the peloton and lost considerable time – 3-minutes, 19 seconds – in the overall standings.

Meanwhile, David Zabriskie was eliminated from the race today because he finished more than 30 minutes behind Stage 11 winner Robbie Hunter. Zabriske is a time-trial specialist who held the Yellow Jersey for exactly 52 seconds during the Prologue this year, and held it through the first three stages of the 2005 Tour. This year, however, Zabriskie looked like a contender for the Lanterne Rouge, leading some (like me) to wonder, “What’s with Zabriskie?”

Apparently it was an achy knee that led to Z-Man’s rough showing.

“After the Galibier day I really struggled to try to get better,” Zabriskie said. “I was hoping these few flat days I could nurse it back to health, but the Tour is not the kind of race where you can fix yourself. Today was a really hard day and my knee couldn't handle it. I came off when Astana finally did their rotation in the wind.”

As if that news wasn’t enough, Yellow Jersey holder Michael Rasmussen was kicked off the Danish national cycling team on Thursday because of an alleged disagreement over drug testing.

According to a story in VeloNews:

The director of the Danish Cycling Union (DCU) Jesper Worre told DR1 television station that Rasmussen had received a number of warnings over failing to inform doping authorities over his training whereabouts.

"We consider this case with great seriousness and the executive of the DCU decided that Michael will no longer be part of the national team and he was informed of this on June 26," said Worre.

Rasmussen spends most of his time in Mexico where his wife his from and as the leader of the Tour de France is drug tested after every stage. But, you know, the DCU doesn’t want to have to refer to Google Earth to track down its soon to be ex-patriot.

In Stage 11… sprinters.

Stage 11 Final
1.) Robbie Hunter, Barloworld, South Africa
2.) Fabian Cancellara, CSC, Switzerland, same time
3.) Murilo Fischer, Liquigas, Brazil, s.t.
4.) Filippo Pozzato, Liquigas, Italy, s.t.
5.) Alessandro Ballan, Lampre, Italy, s.t.
6.) Paolo Bossoni, Lampre, Italy, s.t.
7.) Claudio Corioni, Lampre, Italy, s.t.
8.) Philippe Gilbert, Française des Jeux, Belgium, s.t.
9.) William Bonney, Credit Agricole, France, s.t.
10.) Kim Kirchen, T-Mobile, Luxembourg, s.t.

Overall
1.) Michael Rasmussen, Rabobank, Denmark, in 53:11:38
2.) Alejandro Valverde, Caisse d'Epargne, Spain, @ 2:35
3.) Iban Mayo, Saunier Duval, Spain, @ 2:39
4.) Cadel Evans, Predictor-Lotto, Australia, @ 2:41
5.) Alberto Contador, Discovery Channel, Spain, @ 3:08
6.) Carlos Sastre, CSC, Spain, @ 3:39
7.) Andreas Klöden, Astana, Germany, @ 3:50
8.) Levi Leipheimer, Discovery Channel, USA, @ 3:53

One more day of sprinters before the time trial and Pyrenees.

Can't they all just get along?

Baseball players are babies… there, I said it. When one ballplayer has a beef with another player and wants to engage in fisticuffs, what does he do? Yeah, that’s right… he throws a ball at the other guy.

How silly is that?

Say I’m sitting in the press box at Citizens Bank Park or RFK or anywhere else in the country, and I have a problem with, say, Mike Radano. Do you think I’m going to throw an apple at him from across the room? No, of course not. If such a situation arises, I’m going to get up out of my seat, walk to the other side of the room, and punch Mike.

Hey, that’s how I roll.

I’m not going to shout and scream and carry on about beating up the other guy or yell about how tough I am. Instead I’ll introduce Mike to Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary. Of course I’d probably end up in the roundhouse, but that’s a different story.

Anyway, every so-called baseball “fight” starts and ends the same way. One pitcher throws a ball that hits another player. Then, to retaliate, the pitcher for the team of the plunked hitter drills a player of the plunkers’ team. As you can see it’s a messy, tangled web.

Sometimes, when these bean balls get to a particular point a batter charges after the pitcher, which isn’t exactly a stealth move. It’s kind of like when the British Navy attacked the Falklands – first they told them they were coming, then they got in their boats and three weeks later they were in the southern hemisphere.

And then it was on.

Or at least a bunch of jostling and yelling takes place – like in the Phillies’ minor dust-up with the Marlins last night. In that instance Jon Lieber drilled Aaron Boone, then threw one behind Marlins’ pitcher Dontrelle Willis. When Lieber came up to bat in the fourth inning, Willis threw one three feet behind Lieber.

All even, right?

Apparently not. Apparently Lieber said something to Willis as the teams were changing sides at the end of the inning, which, according to sources, just might be the most Lieber has said about baseball all month since he has chosen not to engage the Philadelphia sporting press lately. Oh sure, he’s talking, but he’s not really saying much.

Nevertheless, Lieber’s comments stirred something in Willis to stand at home plate and call out the Phillies as if he was Tanner Boyle from the North Valley League Bears. Because of that, the Phillies’ bench spilled out onto the field and the Marlins emptied out and the tango was… well, it was more like the gang fight in Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” video.

So that was that. In the modern parlance, that’s a baseball fight. But in retrospect, perhaps baseball players aren’t wimps at all. Better yet, they seem kind of smart. After all, what good does fighting do?

Why, no good. No good at all.

***
Interestingly, one of the first Phillies on the scene of last night’s tango was maligned catcher Rod Barajas. In that instance, Barajas properly blocked a Marlin from advancing. It’s just too bad for the Phillies and Brett Myers that it didn’t come about 24 hours earlier.

***
More interestingly, in activating Ryan Howard from the disabled list the Phillies sent Chris Coste to Double-A Reading. Why Double-A instead of Triple-A Ottawa? According to assistant GM Ruben Amaro Jr., Coste was sent to Reading so that he can work as a catcher more often. In Ottawa Coste spent most of his time playing first base so that prospect Jason Jaramillo would get the majority of the time behind the dish.

Who knows, maybe with Coste going to Reading to catch means that he will be returning to Philadelphia as a backstop in the near future. It definitely seems as if the Phillies could use a reliable backup for Carlos Ruiz.

***
The umpiring crew featuring Dan Iassogna is working tonight’s game in Atlanta. Does anyone want to bet that someone gets ejected from the game? How about if I set the series over-under on ejections at five, or is that too low?