Departing Pittsburgh, green grass, the Murray Bros & the NFL winners

Last week: 1-3

2011 NFL Playoffs: 3-5

New York vs. Pittsburgh

We’re all about fairness here at the Food. In fact, we just might even change the name of this site with some type of derivation of the word fair despite all the hard work and research by the good folks in the marketing department. They really like alliteration.

So with that in mind, folks like me have to take their medicine about disparaging the New York Jets and their kinky/loudmouth coach, Rex Ryan. Sure, the manner in which he trash talked about his team beating the Patriots last weekend just might have set back the fine art of attention-whoring back decades. It’s one thing for Ryan to go on cussin’ and fattin’ around on HBO, because that’s cable and a documentary. I think we all know how people feel about subtitles.

But to mouth off in front of the reserved, thoughtful and compassionate press in New York City is taking things too far.

Oh, but that Rex Ryan is crazy like a fox. He knew exactly what he was doing. He thought if he said some crazy crap about Bill Bellichick and the Patriots before the game, it just might get onto the evening news or the newspapers. You know, because the evening news and newspapers are so ubiquitous with the hip and young demographic.

Needless to say, after the upset in New England, Ryan and the Jets have decided to curb the verbosity this week. That makes sense considering the Pittsburgh Steelers do not have any players easily ridiculed for things like deviant, unlawful behavior. Model citizens every last one of them.

Besides, what good would it do to mouth off about the Steelers or Pittsburgh. Sure, Charles Dickens is often credited with describing Pittsburgh as, “hell with the lid off,” but that was in the 19^th century and with the effects of climate change wreaking havoc across the globe, Pittsburghers will have to wear a sweater or a muffler to the ballgame on Sunday afternoon.

Maybe Pittsburgh is what this AFC Championship game between the Jets and Steelers is all about.

We all know that everyone from Pittsburgh loves their teams and their town. Big Love, actually. L-O-V-E type love. They go crazy from the Penguins and tolerate the Pirates simply because the ballpark is fantastic. But the Steelers... man, they go wacky for the Steelers. In fact, they go so coo-coo crazy for the Steelers that even here in the eastern and central parts of the Commonwealth, they often take over the scene. Sometimes the Pittsburgh football fans even petition the league and the local TV stations to show Steelers games on the tee-vee despite the fact that it is an out-of-market game. Worse, the Steelers fans have redrawn the well-planned and tried-and-true border lines so that teams that are closer (geographically speaking) like Baltimore, Washington, New York or New England, are ignored while the Pittsburghers get the hometown advantage.

And that’s just the thing isn’t it? Pittsburghers love Pittsburgh so much that they live somewhere else.

Sure, they redraw the border lines because they don't live in Pittsburgh anymore. Really, think about it—they love their team and their town so much that they moved away. What does that say? How about they like Pittsburgh because they don't live there.

Say what you will about Philadelphia or Philadelphians... at least they don’t leave. Some might venture over to South Jersey or maybe even the western 'burbs, but for the most part Philly folks just move down the block. Loyalties don't change because, really, what else is there? Where are the folks from Philly supposed to go? We already know Philadelphians don’t mix well with others.

So because of the migration habits of folks from certain sections of Pennsylvania, we easily determined the winner of the AFC Championship…

Pick: New York Jets (plus-4)

Green Bay vs. Chicago

The grass hasn’t been green in these parts for a long time. No, it’s not because there is no fulltime (or even a part-time) lawn steward, it’s just because it’s winter. Sub-freezing air and chlorophyll just don’t mix.

However, with the advances in technology and the herbaceous arts, folks do not have to wait until the spring time for the brown lawns to turn green. Just look at the football fields in cold places like Pittsburgh, New England and Philadelphia where the grass looked as if it was ready for a May Day frolic.

But in Chicago at Soldier Field, the Bears and Packers will have to play the NFC Championship on brown grass like a ragtag bunch of kids in a pickup game. For whatever reason, the grass at Soldier Field looks as if it was broiled by an overworked chef at Harry Caray’s than tended to like Chicago’s favorite son, Bill Murray, and his star turn in Caddy Shack.

The thing about Caddy Shack was that Brian-Doyle Murray, Bill’s big brother, wrote the screenplay with scenes from his youth as the inspiration. See, as kids, Brian, Bill and the rest of their six siblings kept jobs at the local Indian Hill golf club in Wilmette, Ill. That means Ty Webb, Judge Smails and Lacey Underall are real people—or at least based on real people… sort of.

Maybe the Chicago Bears could hire the Murray gang to help them keep the grass green? Certainly they’d know the best way to keep the grass green in Chicago in January is to use a cooler seed like rye or fescue mixed with a Bermuda for when the weather changes.

Aerating the grass with some raking or removal of the brown, dead grass also does wonders for the lawn. Of course the dry, winter weather also causes the ground to freeze which means it’s important to keep the grass saturated. However, at Soldier Field they kept the grass hidden beneath a tarp so the snow and frost would be easier to remove. Then again, the warming coils they probably keep below the surface could take care of that, too.

There are three major league ballparks in Chicago and I’m sure if there were to be a big game at Wrigley Field or Comiskey Park, the grass would be green, lush and as inviting in the dead of winter as if it was June.

Better yet, the grass is green in Green Bay, Wisc. They have Aaron Rodgers as the quarterback, too. Therefore…

Pick: Green Bay Packers (minus-3½) 

Breaking the law, lake trout, wintertime and picking the NFL winners

Generally, breaking the law is a bad idea and it’s something the folks behind this little site do not endorse. Still, we understand that sometimes circumstances tilt toward a little bending and flexing of certain statutes. For instance, we think it’s OK to steal bread in order to feed a starving family. That’s basic because if a criminal is allowed to have a lawyer for free, then we ought to look out for each other.

Or something.

You may be asking about the slippery slope this theory creates, and yes, I understand the moral dilemma. Sociologists haven’t weighed in, but I’m sure they look at bread stealing as a gateway to bigger things. Like, as soon as a person gets enough to eat to shake off the hunger pangs, it’s only a matter of time before the upstairs doors are closed and he is making bathtub moonshine.

Yes, it’s an all-too familiar tale. Of course some may see it as one of those “victimless crimes,” which sounds like an oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp.” But if that’s the case, didn’t you feel safer walking the streets at night knowing Martha Stewart was locked up behind bars for insider trading? Hey, Martha is no Bernie Madoff, Goldman & Sachs, or some other immoral Wall St. knob, but you know how we voiceless middle Americans feel about comeuppance… we love it!

Anyway, people love betting on football games a lot. They even make up variations of normal gambling like that whole fantasy football bit. Ever play that? Man, people get nuts over it. Sometimes they even act like they really are a football coach and/or general manager when they talk about their fantasy football team(s). Hell, they even utilize lean muscle mass and brain power and express their feelings into words on web sites and books about how to be a really good fantasy football guy.

Yeah, it sounds crazy doesn’t it?

However, unless you are playing for jelly beans or pink slips, gambling is illegal in most municipalities in the United States, sir. In other places in our country it’s frowned upon or tolerated only in plush, environmentally-controlled palaces with mismatched wall-to-wall carpet and medieval and/or nautical themes.  

Still, like a hungry person swiping a loaf of bread, it’s probably a crime not to wager a little something on the playoff football games that are slated for this weekend. Look, I’m not telling you to do it because of how they view those sorts of things in society, but if I had a little extra money/gold/pelts/heirlooms just burning a hole in my pocket, I would wager it thusly on this weekend’s slate of NFL Playoffs games:

Saturday games

Saints at Seahawks

Pick: Saints (minus-10)

Gotta give Seahawks’ coach Pete Carroll some credit… not only did he figure out a way to get a team with a losing record a home game in the NFL playoffs, but also he’s done it with players getting paid far less than the guys he had at USC. Nevertheless, unless Carroll figures out a way to get hometown hero Tim Lincecum into the game instead of having him serve as the cheerleader/12^th man, this one could be a blood bath.

Jets at Colts

Pick: Colts (minus-2½ )

The line in this one indicates that the Jets are a little better than the Colts. However, the Colts have won four games in a row, beat the Jets in the AFC Championship last year, and ever since they snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night like some gypsy thieves, the Colts have dominated the Jets. As the Indianapolis Colts, they are 27-14 against the Jets and going back to Super Bowl III, the Colts are 42-26 against the Jets.

The craziest one? In 1991 when the Colts went 1-15 their lone win came against the Jets.

Of course none of that matters now. I just felt like counting up all the times the Jets and Colts played. I also wanted to figure out a way to mention Johnny Unitas, but that’s not really going to work. Besides, the Jets won’t have Joe Namath on Saturday. They’ll just have Rex Ryan who as the coach of the Jets, already has two more victories in the playoffs than his dad, Buddy.

Nope, I didn’t understand any of this either.

Sunday games

Ravens at Chiefs

Pick: Ravens (minus-3)

Ah Baltimore, the city that should have a bigger inferiority complex than Philadelphia. Stuck so close to Washington (yet so far away), Baltimore often serves as a slight vista up I-95 to New York or Boston or wherever folks from D.C. like to go.

But Baltimoreans feel pretty good about their spot in American culture. The football team is pretty good, the waterfront still draws tourists like flies, John Waters is around, and the greatest TV show ever produced, The Wire, was shot and set in town.

The people of Baltimore also appear to have gotten past the idea that the football team wears purple and is called the Ravens instead of blue and white and the Colts.

For the old-timers, the football team in Baltimore is called the Colts. You know, Johnny Unitas, Art Donovan, Don Shula, Lenny Moore, Bert Jones, Gino Marchetti, Earl Morrall and Raymond Berry. The name and colors should have remained locked up in Memorial Stadium when that gypsy Bob Irsay packed up that Mayflower truck and snuck out of town in the middle of the night. That’s what should have happened.

Instead, Johnny Unitas’ flat-top grew out, his black high-tops were retired and Baltimore had to wait for Art Modell to sneak the Browns out of Cleveland before they got another team.

Baltimoreans, of course, are a hearty lot. They know all about being past by on the interstate as thrill seekers go off looking for someplace a little less hardcore. Sure, they do crabs and beer as well in Baltimore as any place on the planet, but they also eat something called lake trout, which doesn’t come from a lake and sure as hell ain’t trout. In fact, lake trout, which is served breaded and deep fried, is a fish that a person doesn’t even have to go fishing for. Know the phrase “shooting fish in a barrel?” Well, with lake trout you don’t have to pull the trigger. Just bend down and yank them out of the gravelly sand in the shallow water. Don’t worry, they’ll be there waiting.

Kind of like the cows that produce all the steaks they like to eat in Kansas City. For the Chiefs players, they better not fill up so close to game time. They are going to need to be light on their feet with the Ravens’ fleet defenders bearing down on them for 60 minutes. Stick with rice or pasta.

Packers at Eagles

Pick: Packers (plus-2½)

They get after it in Wisconsin. Really, they get after it. According to some silly poll taken by some magazine that probably won’t exist in a year or two, Milwaukee, the closest “big” city near Green Bay, is the drunkest town in the U.S. Meanwhile, Philadelphia checked in at No. 20.

What does this mean? Well, for one thing there probably isn’t a lot to do during the winter time in Wisconsin because it’s so damn cold. It’s so cold, in fact, that people rarely go outside after the first week of October and there are indoor walkways that connect all of the buildings so folks won’t have to go outdoors and get frost bite. They also build shacks on top of the frozen lakes and go fishing.

Fishing and drinking, apparently.

Nevertheless, since the towns look like habitatrails and the people have decided to stay inside, there better be something to watch on TV and it better be good. Imagine how much drinking would go on in Wisconsin if the Packers were bad. In fact, if the Packers lose this weekend and the football season were to end more than two months before the first day of spring, martial law is declared in Green Bay, Milwaukee and Kenosha. Keep people out of the snow drifts.

Although the Eagles should have a plan for second-year linebacker extraordinaire Clay Matthews, it’s unknown whether the defense can contain quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Plus, with the temperature expected to be a balmy 32 degrees on Sunday, the Packers might play in shorts.

Hey, it doesn’t hit the 30s until May in Wisconsin. The warm weather is sure to have the Packers feeling loose and ready to move.

Last year’s playoff picks record: 7-3

Big, stupid numbers

Whether they tried or not, the Eagles just couldn’t make the numbers add up even though they don’t look so complicated from a first glance.
 
The numbers, 30, 8, 7.5 million and, most importantly, 2 were trickier to solve than a Rubik’s Cube or even the daily online Sudoku puzzle. Sure, the first three are easy to make fit but when one mixes in that 2 the entire puzzle just fell apart.
 
At age 30 with eight hard years already under his belt with a $7.5 million on paper owed to him next season, Brian Westbrook became just another number to the brass behind the Eagles. Oh, there’s nothing complicated about an All-Pro running back at Westbrook’s age and experience that should scare off anyone. However, those two concussions he had in less than a month last season ruined the math.
 
Frankly, that sucks.

No, that’s not because Westbrook was cut by the Eagles (largely because of those concussions), though that is part of it. The disappointing part is that the Eagles’ move exemplifies the ugly reality that we must bear…

We’re all just numbers. That’s it. Somewhere some guy is looking at an Excel spreadsheet without an inch of an emotion or an inkling of knowledge of any of our traits, and that guy is making decisions on all of our futures. Is that the way it should be? And if so, why not train a chimp or build a robot to do that guy’s job.

We like sports because they are an escape. When it comes down to it, it’s entertainment or just one big soap opera that lasts for a long season, but never really rests during the hiatus. So when real life issues like downsizing slides into it from the cold-hearted and emotionless corporate types that run the Eagles, it kind of ruins the whole enjoyment of it. Who wants the local football team to be just like every other business in the country? Not me.

One of the reasons why I dislike fantasy football isn’t the nerdery of the enterprise, though that doesn’t help. Instead, who wants to pretend to be an owner of a team and have to make decisions without emotion? It’s not real, but it kind of is at the same time. You root for numbers, not people.

Numbers lie more than people. They are much more easily manipulated, too. Crunch them and push them they way you wish and numbers will say anything you want them to. They’re cheap, precise and stupid and who can respect that?

So the reason why Brian Westbrook was unceremoniously waived by the Eagles all comes down to the numbers. In fact, Westbrook said he was expecting a call from the team to ask him to take a pay cut or restructure his contract. Well, they restructured it all right—restructured it by dropping it into the office shredder.

“It’s just the fact that you don’t wanna be released,” Westbrook told CSN’s Derrick Gunn. “I have spent a long time in Philadelphia, since ’97—I started in college and had eight years with the Eagles. So you have some type of uncertainty going into the future. I was surprised by the news but at the same time it is part of the business.”

Yep, part of the business. It doesn’t matter that Westbrook was a model employee and the epitome of professionalism. It also doesn’t matter that he pretty much spent the entire 2009 season resting from a knee and ankle injury plus those two concussions, which means he doesn’t have the mileage on his body like your typical 30-year-old running back.

Westbrook says he wants to play in 2010 and he likely will have plenty of job prospects, so no one should feel sorry for the new ex-Eagle. Sure, the Eagles run a money-making machine, but the NFL is an industry unlike the others that are routinely casting off hard-working and professional people. Westbrook very well could end up in a better situation than he was in with the Eagles. That hardly seems farfetched when one looks at Westbrook’s digits.

“A lot of things you lack physically, you make up in the mental aspect. That doesn't mean you can't compete at a very high level,” Westbrook told Gunn. “You see Brian Dawkins, he played here until he was 34 or 35-years old, then went out to Denver and played at a very high level. It can be done. It takes a special player to be able to do that. I have that will to do it, that desire to do it. I am going to train as hard as I can this offseason to come back and show people that I can still play.”

At least there is one aspect of the business we can all respect—if a guy can do the job, there will be a place for him in the NFL. They got that part right.

More media days, please

Word out of Miami was that Tuesday was the infamous “Media Day.” That’s where the contestants sit behind card tables with aprons wrapped around the fringe in order to make themselves properly available to the horde that shows up to cover the media day.

Yeah, that’s right… some folks cover the Super Bowl from the vantage point of media day and leave the actual football stuff to the sports writing crew. For instance, don’t expect to see Downtown Julie Brown going over Xs and Os on the day of the big game, but you can be sure as heck she (or modern equivalent of her) will be making the rounds at media day.

The best part about media day is how the media complains about media day. I love that. Usually it comes from the sports writers who, a.) aren’t the most welcoming sort to begin with, and, b.) don’t like it when their little piece of turf is invaded by non-sports types.

Wanna drive the sports complainers crazy? Tell them that the sports industry is entertainment. The MVP and the Hollywood star really aren’t all that different.

That might not be the reason why some folks get bent about media day, though. The truth is a lot of those guys are ticked off to begin with and they don’t like it when a flunky from a South American comedy show is singing karaoke with the starting tight end when they want to know about the intricacies of Dwight Freeney’s ankle injury.

Frankly, there’s room for both the geek and the flunky in media day. In fact, the goofballs are the best part about it and sometimes they are on the other side of those tables, too. Remember when the Eagles made it to the Super Bowl and Freddie Mitchell threw a tantrum because he wasn’t assigned a seat with the team’s stars? Apparently Mitchell thought he was the reason why the Eagles got to the Super Bowl.

Regardless, usually the athletes are at media day to endure the legit questions and enjoy the absurdity of it all. For some of that, check out the Huffington Post’s photo gallery of this year’s media day.

From my perspective, the only chance I’ve had to see anything remotely close to the media day of Auper Bowl was the one they held before the opening game of last October’s World Series. In the past media availability for the World Series was simply a matter of opening up the clubhouse and allowing the press to find whoever they wanted… that is if they were even there. Left to their own devices, some baseball players would prefer to hide out in the off-limits area until the coast is clear. But at media day before the World Series (only for the games at Yankee Stadium, it should be noted), every player was set out at their own spot—even the guys no one wanted to talk to.

Needless to say, the NFL and the Super Bowl carry a bit more cachet than baseball’s World Series. And since baseball players are known for being the surliest of the bunch, the only goofs that showed up were from the mainstream press and Arsenio Hall, who works for Jay Leno’s show.

Poor guy.

Either way, the message from the media day(s) is that the NFL wants to be a cross-cultural phenomenon. Sure, when it comes to the action on the field, yes, the NFL is the proverbial stuffed shirt. Any semblance of personality from a player or coach is beaten away in Soviet-like precision while the owners share the bounty of their provinces with the politburo in New York City.

And like any totalitarian regime, the NFL has a remarkable marketing initiative. The league protects its image, or “brand” as they say in the vernacular. Between the point spreads and the fantasy leagues, everyone seems to have an interest in the comings and goings on football Sundays. If people want to talk about football, buy into its programming and spend time with all of its products, by golly, the NFL is going to let them.

Even when the NFL does something stupid like sue over the phrase, “Who ‘Dat?” the NFL quickly figures out how silly it is. The league might even admit this and offer a mea culpa of sorts.

MLB, meanwhile, is too busy looking for new ways to upset the fans. First they tried to sue fantasy leagues over the use of baseball statistics as if they are intellectual property or some silliness, before they set up a deal so that only one company could use its logos on baseball cards.

Then, just in case you didn’t get the message, MLB will broadcast its biggest games too late in the night for kids to watch.

Nice.

So when you’re at your Super Bowl party this weekend with a bunch of interesting people from all over, don’t think about whether or not you would do the same thing for a big baseball game—Bud Selig is monitoring your thoughts and will issue an injunction if you do.

Kudos MLB, kudos

We like to give credit where credit is due even if it’s to a entity that seems to enjoy bad press, bad decisions and sticking it to its best customers and fans. But when Major League Baseball decided that it would allow any player (one per team, though) who wishes to wear No. 42 in tribute to Jackie Robinson on the 60th anniversary of his debut on April 15 (as well as the 10th anniversary of the league-wide retirement of the number), it was a great move and a smart decision.

For the Phillies, Jimmy Rollins will wear No. 42, which makes sense. Rollins has always been a big proponent of the old Negro Leagues, its history and lore.

But for as smart as MLB was in allowing players to pay tribute to Jackie Robinson, don’t expect too much more of it – especially in the NFL. According to The Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon, who appeared on ESPN Radio with Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann this week, the NFL does not want to celebrate its history as it relates to individuals.

Said Wilbon:
“Baseball gets it right. Baseball understands individuality. Football understands it, too – football doesn’t want it. Football wants not to have it. That’s how they can trot out replacement players, because if there is no individuality, players can never have strength. They can never be equal (because) the team is always greater. The jersey is the greatest thing that football offers. Major League Baseball does understand this and I’m glad they have relented and will allow any person who wants to wear No. 42 on April 15 to wear it. … The NFL doesn’t want to pay tribute to anybody.”

There certainly are a lot of examples of how the NFL beats down on any type of individuality rearing its head. Remember when Peyton Manning wanted to wear black high tops as a tribute to Johnny Unitas or when Jake Plummer wanted to wear a small No. 40 on his helmet as a tribute to Pat Tillman? The NFL warned the players that if they strayed beyond the vanilla ordinances of the league’s bylaws by the slightest centimeter they risked fines, suspension or no recess.

Baseball surely has screwed up royally in this regard, too, but at least they recognize (like the NBA) that the players are the best public relations they have.

We can't see you

If the Eagles play a game and nobody is able to watch it, does it make a sound?

In other words, here in Lancaster, Pa. -- just 60 miles from Center City as the crow flies -- the Eagles game is not on TV. Nope, it wasn't "blacked out," nor was there a technical glitch. Simply, it was not broadcast in this area.

This is despite the Eagles thinking that Lancaster was fertile enough ground for their fandom to open one of their Eagles' Stores in the touristy row of strip malls outlining the outer edge of Lancaster proper and the Amish/tourist zone. This is also despite the notion that Lancasterians believe their town is a de facto suburb of Philadelphia and within the Philly media market.

But the reason for the Eagles snub of the Lancaster viewing area isn't because the cable company or TV networks are mean or have it out for the good folks in the Garden Spot. It's simply the fault of geography, which can be a kick in the pants sometimes.

You see, CBS is the network in charge of carrying the Eagles game vs. Jacksonville on Sunday. Unfortunately, the TV station in Lancaster -- WGAL -- is an NBC affiliate. The CBS affiliate is in York or Harrisburg, which just over the Susquehanna River from Lancaster, is technically the Baltimore viewing market. That means the affiliate is bound by the NFL's rules and regulations to show the Ravens-Saints game.

See, what did I tell you about geography?

The funny thing is that Baltimore is closer to most of Lancaster. In fact, a drive from my house to Camden Yards/Inner Harbor is much easier and quicker to make than one to Philadelphia... not to mention much more pleasant than battling traffic on the Schuylkill or Blue Route.

Yet there is no real connection with Baltimore here. Sure, there are a handful of Orioles' fans, but they seem to have diminished considerably during the Angelos reign in the so-called Charm City. The Ravens? What are they? Where did they come from and what happened to the Colts?

The football team in that city is called the Baltimore Colts. You know, Johnny Unitas, Art Donovan, Don Shula, Lenny Moore, Bert Jones, Gino Marchetti, Earl Morrall and Raymond Berry. The name and colors should have remained locked up in Memorial Stadium when the Irsay's packed up that Mayflower truck and snuck out of town in the middle of the night.

The Baltimore Ravens still have a USFL feel to them, and yeah, I know they won the Super Bowl a few years ago. The opposing quarterback in that game, Kerry Collins, is a former basketball and football standout in the Lancaster-Lebanon League.

Lancaster is Eagles and Phillies country, and it used to be the pre-season home for the 76ers, whose training camp was held at Franklin & Marshall College. Nevertheless, that doesn't do anything for the folks who are bummed out that they cannot watch the local football team on Sunday afternoon.

So what's the remedy? Maybe the NFL can start broadcasting their games on the Internet like every other major and minor sports league? Or, better yet, maybe they can allow the local affiliates to decide on their own which games they want to televise to their viewers?

Then again, it's Sunday. Turn off the tube and hang out with the family.